Boulevarde Dreaming

Adjusting to being sick

I don’t get sick often. I haven’t thrown up for over ten years, I rarely take Nurofen and while my immune system is now compromised from scary drug Tysabri I haven’t had a sniffle yet this winter. I’m usually as strong as the proverbial ox. Obviously when I do get sick it needs to be a little extraordinary.

 I have learnt that you can’t understand how unwell you can feel until it actually happens. I went from rarely catching a cold to being hospitalised in Sydney twice in a three-week period for treatment with high doses of steroids. I can also appreciate how unwell I really was now that I am starting to feel healthier and stronger. I spent months lying on our lounge (more about my little nest later. I love that I’m up and about now!)

I wrote a will one afternoon when I was lying on the lounge feeling dreadful- so much goes on while I look like I’m just sitting quietly. The thoughts, the worries, and the bargaining. Can I please have 10 years of being OK- to get my kids through school and into their adult years. So I will have time to teach them what I need to, so they will be old enough to remember things we did and things that I said. To meet their partners and to tell them boring and embarrassing stories about the kid’s childhoods. Please- 10 years so I can dance at their weddings and meet my grandchildren.

10 years of being well to spend with Dan- to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary, to travel, to enjoy our life together and to keep building memories. To go bushwalking together, kayaking, to go to fancy restaurants and drink amazing wines.

I am very brave but I am not fearless. I will do what I need to do but I am scared. I do worry that I may get sick and lose my ability to do things for myself but I won’t let this worry stop my progress. I am too stubborn and determined for that.

At times I recognise how ironic that it is my brain that has been so affected. I love my brain!! I have worked hard for the past 20 years to fill it with knowledge and to develop my ideas. Four university degrees- two of them Masters degrees as well as professional Psychology memberships that I have worked so hard for. The HESC debt that I did eventually pay off, the hours of reading, researching and learning about therapeutic strategies. The hundreds of clients that I have helped over the years and the number of supervisees that I have supported in their own early career development.

Things are different now. I am a different person but I am also the same. I feel like I am waking up and coming out of the dark in some ways. I’m not sure if this is a sign that I am recovering and that the fog is clearing or it is new clarity and the need for me to press the refresh button.

Where was I heading back in early August 2017? Lots of work every week and aiming to get our new mortgage paid off quickly? Always looking at extra work and study opportunities- I don’t think I can go back to this. I have a new appreciation for time and the value of each new day and all the possibilities that each day brings. I am open to change. I feel a total push to take time to stop and to focus on my health. I feel like I need to be open and that this is part of accepting that the universe has pelted me and I need to be working out what this means for me and for my little family.

I recognise that there are times where I can’t be as present for others as I have been, I need to learn to be OK with this and I need to reassure my children so that they can see that this doesn’t mean that I care less or love them less. I am just doing the best I can in any moment. There are times where I am not fully aware of what is affecting me, it all feels foggy and I often look back later and can see that I missed something or didn’t say something that I usually would. Things don’t occur to me the way that they used to and it feels like a part of the usual me isn’t there catching myself at those times. Things not occurring to me has been a huge adjustment- I miss things that later seem to have been glaringly obvious. I can be sitting next to someone crying while telling me a story and I don’t realise that they just need a hug. But there are also other times where I still have my intuition and awareness and I can make good decisions for myself.

Part of me wants to get back to doing more work, to be well enough to be there helping others and then part of me wonders what is the bigger picture for me? Have I worked with enough supervisees- helping enough of the next generation of Psychologists? Is it time for me to refocus and think about a new direction? Do I want to be locked back into a workday where time rules me- being in the right place for the right amount of time? I love the flow of my days at the moment but I am not sure that they can really continue in this way forever. Part of it is the recovery process and knowing that there will hopefully be enough progress with time for my next direction to come to me.

My days are full- I go to appointments; I focus on self-care and I read. So much reading. My Kindle library reads like a slightly morbid and very fixated health, healing and survival list! I watch documentaries looking for answers- Is it focusing on gut health? Avoiding meat and dairy? Blended celery juice? A whole food, plant based diet? Exercise, potent medications, meditation, sleep- or a delicate combination of all the above??

My recovery time has been such a cool journey!

I love my weekly lunches with two of my long time friends. So many laughs and so much love.

I love my early morning walks where I chat to all my regular dawn buddies.

I love, love, love my lake view.

I love being home when the kids walk in from school.

I love walking one child to and from school.

I love seeing another child when he pops in for a visit.

I love having coffee breaks and mid week lunches with my husband.

I love not watching the clock.

I am appreciating this time.

Some of my daily meditation practices:

Listening to music

Listening to a guided meditation

Sitting quietly staring at the wall (I’m not kidding)

Catching 5 quiet minutes to myself without racing off to finish a chore

Sitting having a cup of tea in the sun

Letting the water wash over me in the shower- feeling the water wash my day away.

Taking some time to focus on breathing in- 2-3, breathing out- 2-3.

Having a power nap

Writing some notes to myself

Thinking about what I am grateful for today and spending some time reviewing how these experiences really felt

Enjoying each experience while they are happening

Hugging a loved one and enjoying their smell- my children often sniff my hair!!

Thinking about a loved one and messaging them

A gentle yoga session

Walking barefoot across the grass

Diving into the ocean

Lying in bed for an extra few minutes for a cuddle with my husband